Love In a Bowl Full of Sand
by a far away world
Summary: "What do you think love is?" Arthur asked. I looked at him, those kind eyes. I could tell him I thought it silly, hard, and pointless. That I was happy being by myself. I couldn't tell him that when I thought of love I thought and saw nothing but him.
1. My life

People say love is a grand thing to have and to experience with another person, the person who is, in this whole wide world, supposed to be your other half is grand in its self. I think the notion is foolish to be truthful. Oh, don't get me wrong, I have loved someone and crushed on many people but it all ends up the same- black and voidness. It makes my view on what they call love seem very dank and dark.

You know that song? The one where it goes, "Love is a battle field, let's all stand together…. And yadayada?" I laugh every single time I hear that song because it's true. Love is a big battle field and I seem to be the only one that is overlooked, shot down, cut down, and left for dead. Funny huh?

You see I have finished waiting for that one person who will be my knight in bright armor because, to be frank, it seems I will be waiting a very, very long time and I can't be doing that. Not when I have a life to live and air to breath. I am very content on just being with my friends and by myself. It's not lonely…I promise you it's not. It's not like I wish to wake in the morning to see someone next to me, nor do I want to be held in a soft grip and feel like I will never be let go of, I don't whish to hear those words, " I love you," I just….it would be suffocating…..wouldn't it?

I shall go on to live in my small house, work part time at the library in my not so big town, to hang out with my friends- Gwen, Morgana, Lancelot, Gwaine, Ellyn, Percival- and….and….be happy. Yes, happy, though the other say I am not, but I think I am. You would know if you weren't happy because it's yourself right?

I never thought of that type love before, the one where you love a person not of your family or your friends in a long time, hated it, thought it to be a very boring affair, wanted to swallow the very notion every time I am left high and dry, tears coming off my face as I drink a strong coffee drink and sit with a good book and wonder why me. I thought love was like sand and my love, if I had such a person, was like a piece of rice in that big pile of sand. Hard to find and ever harder to get out even if I did find it.

That was until I meet him. He walked right into my life, no pun intended I swear, as I sat wishing for noting more than a sign. He showed me that maybe that I had the whole love thing wrong and that I was meant for something more…..I wasn't as useless as a person.

I am not telling a big love, drama, weep until you laugh story. This is my life; you either love it or walk away. I am not asking you to listen, not asking you to stay. But he did something for me in which, even know, I wonder what it was.

This is …it's like…...love in a bowl full of sand.

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	2. Asking

The longest back I can recall I had always been surrounded by books. I never cannot recall when my nose wasn't stuff with the smell of the old pages and the voices of the pages as they turned with a crisp new sound as I devoured the information and the long lost tales they told me. Book were my life, my only source of company besides my friends.

I had just graduated high school, and had no idea what I wanted to do with my so called life, so I worked at the library in my small town. This was fine with me since I had begun working there for actual money about a year ago. I had always helped out there when I could and it was basically my second home. I knew all the old ladies there, from Mrs. Penwrinkle the old lady who smelt of herbs and such, she was the director, she always had a smile on her face, to Miss Timikey the library cat who was a feisty and loved the attention she got from the people who came into the library.

I remember how I first met Arthur Pendragon and it wasn't really something that could go down in history as the romantical first met. I had been scanning books all day and had just put enough into the system to put them on the shelves. I picked up enough books that I could not see where I was heading and set off for the shelves laid out around in the big building. Our library was three stories, one story was the nonfiction section this was sorted from the biographies to maps and such, and then the second floor once you climb the stairs was the fiction section and this was set out according to the genre of the book, I was a top expert on the Science fiction and fantasy section, and then the last story, the third story, was the computer lab and the restrooms and the video and media section.

"Merlin, dear, try not to fall up the step again will you? I would have to hate having to send you to the clinic down the road again," Sally, the assistant at the front desk called out to me as she watched me go by. I looked back at her as I balanced the books and smiled as I saw her tapping her hand on the massive papers on the desk and picking up the pens and laying them out on the sign out sheets. It had been something she did and said every day.

"I will be just fine," I had called out to her as I began my flight up the steps. I arrived without fault and headed for the fantasy shelves.

I always liked this section even when I was little. Something just spoke to me, like the knights riding on their horses in the sun dappled color that was the back drop, or maybe it was the big dome of the roof as it curved up and up it played out the Arthurian theme telling the complex and twisting story of the king that always will be and his faithful servant and the band of knights and his queen.

I had just begun to place the books on the wooden old shelves, glancing at the shiny new titles and smiling at the old faithful ones that I have read over again, when I was spooked out of my skin by a voice.

"Could you help me?"

Books still in hand, I turned, and I recall how I had to try and pear around the volumes that were in hand and failing so that I could not see the person's face very clearly. That's when I made my vow to get contacts for glasses did not help a person much.

"Yes," I said to the person, my heart beat going back down from my throat to my chest, " What can I do for you."

The man, he sounded as such and would later be found out to be my age if not a year or to older then myself, said, " I'm looking for the computer lab, the person at the front desk I fear wasn't much help."

I laughed and thought no she wouldn't be would she? I juggled the books and stuck an arm out pointing to where I knew the stairwell to be, "Up the stairs and to your left, can't miss it. You did sign in thought right?"

His pause gave me the answer, "Go to the front desk again and there is a pad of paper to the left, the intern is new so she wouldn't have known. You get an hour on the computers."

"Great, I should have just brought a notebook at the electronic store," I heard him mutter and I tried to see around the book to look at him, "Thank you."

I managed to move the books just in time to see a handsome blonde man stuff his hands in his in his hoodie and walk up the stairs. I shook my head and scolded myself for thinking such a thing, I was better alone and not stuck on a person, I then nodded and went back to the shelves.

Though then, as I stood there with my books for company, I had no idea that destiny had plans for me that would span not only through this year but three years to come with the one called Arthur Pendragon. The first time I would see him actually face to face I fell right into his arms….

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	3. The wallet and the real first meeting

I had just put my coat on, I recall, I had feared that the frost breath of Jack Frost would send me into a fit of the sniffling's and coughing fits as it did every season. I tugged on my fur jacket and put on my beanie, the one with a fox's eyes and ears coming from it and was about to open the door.

"Oh, Merlin dear?" Marrla called to me from the stair well, she was in charge the computer lab up stairs for as long as I could recall. She had wild black hair and wore a red dress almost every day. I stopped at the door and notice she had something in her hand.

"Yes?" I asked her and checked my phone where I had several texts form Morgana telling me to hurry my ass up to meet her and the others. They had always texted me and called me, we always hung out, all of us no matter what back then, but it was a different story now days…..and it's all my fault. I let him go….

"Some poor lad left this at one of the computers," she had handed me the wallet then, the wallet which would change my life. " the dear must have just left an hour or so ago, if you take it to the police station down the road I am sure he will come for it soon."

I sighed, why did the mothers of the library have to torture me so, but now it was a treasured memory, " Why not just leave it at the front desk, Marrla. This would be the place he would come to look for it, not the station."

She patted my head and said as she pushed me out the door, "Merlin we are closed tomorrow, remember? Now then, off you go and have a good day tomorrow and a good weekend."

I walked the busy streets of the London city, snow starting to fall softly down and leave wet kisses on my skin. I looked at the wallet in my hands; it still feels like it's in my hand even now as I look out the window, my arms wrapped around my legs.

My phone vibrated in my pocket, then, and I ducked my hands into my pocket and pulled it out, it was from Gwaine. **Oi, Merlin, hurry up home, morgana's about to start movie night without you!**

I replied back, **will be home in a minute have to do something.**

I just saw the doors of the station in my view when I went headlong into someone and I then found myself falling. My elbows scraped on the concrete, a burning tingle spread up to my shoulder. Someone below me, the person who would start everything and make me who I am, groaned. I opened my eyes and saw a green eyes looking back at me, those eyes were deep in color.

"What are you doing on top of me?" a rough but soothing voice said to me. A male's voice.

I looked down to see a blonde hair young man who I was sitting on," um….sorry."

"Get off me," he snapped and pushed me off of him. I fell onto the road, my butt scrapping on the snow dust sidewalk. I looked up at him and then stood up, glaring at him. God, he did not have to such a jerk. I saw the wallet at me feet and picked it up, putting it in my pocket and was about to walk off again leaving ass hole in the snow. I said I was sorry.

"Hey!" I felt arms yank my back and spin me around so I was staring at him, he growled, " What the hell are you doing with my wallet."

" Your wallet?" I said with contempt. Then I realized what he said or what he meant- he thought I stole it! I shook my head, " No I didn't steal it. I was told to take it to the police station."

He huffed and the looked me up and down. He looked like a prince almost with his pale skin, smooth features and blonde hair that seemed like gold. I shook my head and then I stopped, wait blonde hair. I recalled the man who had asked me about the computers…

I flipped open the wallet and I heard him shout and grab at the wallet, he took it from my grasp but not before I saw the picture and the name.

"You….." I looked up at him as he started to walk to the station mumbling about thief's and young men who looked funny and like a child in a hat that resembled a fox. He was going to turn me in!

"Hey wait, you have it all wrong!" I called after him and ran and almost ran into him, "It was at the library, in the lab, I was told to bring it to the station because we are going to be closed until Monday. I am not a thief!"

He turned to look at me and the blinked, "You were the guy that told me where the lab was," he said more to himself then me. He then rubbed the back of his neck, " Um I don't know what to say."

I crossed my arms, I recall smirking and felling oddly happy he figured out who I was, "you could say sorry."

"I could but I won't." he smirked and I gapped.

"Why the hell not! You ass, you accused me of stealing something I did not. This is why I hate people sometimes," I muttered the last part to myself.

"Yes but you ran into me and knocked me down, making me late. So I say we are even," he said leering and then patted me head as if I was a child. I watched in shock as he walked away and I huffed and kicked my shoe into the road.

"Damn flambount men, stupid Arthur Pendragon If I ever see him again…" I whispered and headed for home, my temper not cooling so soon. I smiled though and said the name again, "Arthur Pendragon., and then I frowned again.

My life, if you haven't guessed, was full of emotion, and hunted memories. If I had never meet Arthur that day then things would not be how they were now. I screwed up and lost it all, if only I could fix it, turn back the time. i lost my love and everything…..

I never thought I would have saw Arthur again, it never crossed my mind in truth, not that I wanted to meet him again….no. but I never thought when I did I would find myself falling for him and I have my dear cousin Freya to thank for it and Gwaine my best mate….

**Thank you for the review, you know who you are, please leave a review for this chapter if you would.**


	4. Cafe' Amusment and first date?

I fixed my collar on my shirt and stood outside the café doors. I looked at my watch on my wrist and sighed. I couldn't believe that my dear cousin had dragged me away from my laptop because she wanted me to meet her and Gwaine, her boyfriend and my best friend, for lunch and also a friend of Gwaine's. I sighed and opened the door to the café.

I loved this café for this place brought back so many memories and even this far into the future as I sit wallowing in this tale it brings tears and laughter to my eyes for this is where it all began. My nose sniffed in the warm coffee smell that floated from the counters and I licked my lips at the thought of the good and spicy chili that would soon be in front of me. Okay so maybe coming here wasn't so bad because it wasn't has like I had food back at the house.

"Merlin, there you are!"

I looked over and saw Will, my best friend since primary school walking over to me, waving and trying to balance a tray in his hands. He had his uniform on that was but only a white apron and some black boots, the rest was his own style of own, a band tee and holy jeans.

"Hey, Will," I said smiling, "the others here yet?"

I made a show of looking around the café looking for my cousin and Gwaine but didn't see them and I rolled my eyes in mock anger, "Of course they're not in here!"

Will smirked and patted my arm, "Gwaine called and said they were running late cause his car got jammed again," he then tugged on me and pushed me over to where we usually say, in the back of the café, "you go on and sit and I will bring you that chili you love and you work on a rant for those two, right?"

I had just got or table in view when I saw a blonde head lazing on the chair that sat across from me, I turned to ask Will who the person was but he was already gone in the jumble of the busy café. I looked back to see the man who took a long drink of something in the mug and I tried to recall why the person looked so familiar. I then pushed myself to the table and pulled out the set, sat down, and froze when I meet those so familiar green eyes looking back at me in amusement and surprise.

"You! What are you doing here?" I asked him, sitting down hard in my seat.

He put down his water and raised an eyebrow and let out a small smile, the one that I can today remember his white teeth and his sparkling eyes even though I have not seen him for years.

"Last time I checked the café was free reign," he said and then he spoke softly, " I don't think I caught your name last time, Squirt."

I sputtered, squirt! I crossed my arm not liking Arthur once more. I pointed my figure at him," My name is not _squirt_ it's Merlin. And it's is free rein, but this table is already reserve. For me and my friends, plus I don't feel like being accused again for something again by you, you're an ass!"

"Hey," he said, shaking his head, " I said that that was already resolved because we both got what we deserved…so don't go calling me an ass, Merlin." He smiled and I glared and was about to open my mouth again to tell him to go away, so I was being childish but he deserved what he was getting. Sure, that was a few weeks ago but Arthur, the jerk wouldn't got out of my head, but that was only because of his assinse ways and nothing else.

"So," said a calm and sweet voice of my cousin Freya behind me, " I see you two met already, but last time I recall exchanging threats was a way of getting to know each other."

I looked up to see her putting her jacket on the back of her chair and Gwaine, his messy mop of his head, coming back with food and drinks. He smiled at me and sat down passing out the food. Even to Arthur!

"Wait, he's the one that you told me I was meeting, this lout!"

Freya hit me on the back of the head while Gwaine snorted and looked at Arthur pointy who only rolled his eyes at me again. "Yes, and it seems it's the same for me. Nice to meet you, _Mer_lin," he stuck his hand out and the others were looking at me, "names' Arthur and I work with Gwaine at the shop."

I wanted to bang my head against the table. So this was Gwaine's friend from this shop, the same friend. Small world indeed, I sighed and looked at Arthur and then to my friends and shook his hand, the past behind us for now, it said.

He smiled and I found it was hard to look away. I ducked my head and let myself listen to the conversation and Arthur laughing, and I looked back up at him….I recall how the light had reflected of him and he looked like an angel…..and he had been my angel then and maybe even now…..or not…..

As the lunch came to a stop and we departed as we walked out of the café, I stood be Arthur my jacket on and the snow falling down around us as I waved to my cousin and Gwaine. So maybe the lunch had not been all that bad as I had thought, even with Arthur there, he was kind of funny in that pratish dollop head way. I didn't even give him a glance I started to go home, but someone caught my wrist and I looked back to see Arthur behind me, his hand on my sleeve. He smiled and let go of it almost shyly.

"Um, look, I wanted to apologize for you know today before at the table and when we first met I was an ass, your right."

I looked at him and felt like gapping like a fish for, even though I didn't know Arthur well, he didn't seem to be like the guy to say sorry, he must have picked up what I was thinking for he flashed his eyes down and said softly, " I- look I am not…I didn't mean that…..mmmm you want to go see a movie?"

"A movie!"

He nodded at me, " Yhea you know with moving pictures and stuff," there was the Arthur I was used to seeing. I huffed at him and rolled my eyes, " I know what a movie is, Arthur, but why me?"

"To make it up to you for being an ass, like I said. I'll buy and what not, we don't even after see each other after today, plus you are kind of amusing, so?"

I looked at him and then to his eyes as the snow fell down around us, and then I knew that maybe it would be okay just for once to be around people. I smiled and nodded and he smiled back and we headed to the theater, and I silently thanked my cousin and my friend.

For this night was the night that began my romance with Arthur, but then, when given the choice I ruined it all…..

**Sorry for taking so long to update, I have been sick, so here you go! Please review and thanks to those that have in the past chapters!**


	5. Too Afraid of love to admit i need you

After that night, as the world seemed a distant haze as the snow sprinkled down around us, I knew that it wouldn't be the last time I saw Arthur, and it wasn't. we walked back to my flat, the same one I live in now, and he walked me to my door and we talked and our breath lingered in the air like some mist. We talked about nothing and everything. I asked him inside and he came in and still we did not waver from out talk or our gazes. Talking led to exchanging numbers and then that led to text and even phone calls….then it seemed after that our plans were filled with nothing but each other.

We shared our first kiss right outside my door. I can recall how I held his hand and was laughing about something or other when he leaned in, pushed me against the frame. I froze and looked at him in nervousness before he laid his lips right onto mine. My first kiss and never had I felt more light. So sweet, so caring and so full of love.

We were there for our first everything, when he failed a test at the collage that he worked so hard for, I took him out to eat to forget every worry, when I cried when I messed up when trying to find my dad only he didn't want me, he held my close and whispered it was going to be all right, and it went back and forth.

I loved him, yes; I think I didn't realize it. That what I felt around him was in deed love and not some silly emotion that I let myself be fooled by. I just wish I wasn't as blind as I had been, too fearful for what might have come.

It had been a normal day, I was in my den wearing my sweat pants and the hoddie Arthur had brought me last week since he spoiled mine by running in the rain at 5 in the morning. My phone rang, I answered it and it was Arthur.

"Hey, Arthur. I thought you were working until late?"

I can feel the cold phone in my hands and his breathing very heavy but light in a way that made me pause as he spoke, his tone dull, "Merlin," he said to me over the phone, "can you meet me at the café?"

"Arthur lunch isn't for another hour!" I laughed maybe then I knew, I knew what would be coming.

"This isn't about lunch. Just meet me at our table, okay, love?" he hung up and I glanced out the window before making my way out the door.

I made it to the café, my nerves a jumbled mess as much as I can recall. I opened the door and stepped inside and ignored everything that had met me when I saw Arthur again since out first meeting. I walked over to the table and sat down and waited.

I must have had at least three glasses of wine for when he got there my face felt flushed and his expression when he met my eyes was that of amusement but also doubt. He sat down and asked for himself a drink too. I smiled at him, "Hey."

"You already drinking away without me, Merlin, what are we going to do with you?" he chuckled and I shrugged about to take another drink, to make him disappear for a second or two behind the glass, but he reached out and took my hand and held it.

"So," I said looking at our hands, " How come you're out of work so early?"

He pursed his lips and ran his thumb on the outside of my hand and said slowly, " the collage called and they told me a was an offered the scholarship in the states."

I smiled at him. This was what Arthur always wanted- a scholarship for the states, to work abroad. It was a dream of his he wanted to do for himself but also his dead mother and dead father who just died. He wanted to become a free-lance writer and America had some top schools.

"That's brilliant Arthur!" I exclaimed to him, " this is what you always wanted! So when do you leave, I suppose I should start making plans for if it's over the summer you and me will need to rent a house nearby. That is if you want me to go?" I trailed off with this since he let go of my hand.

"Merlin the scholarship will begin next week and I need to make a final decision by then." He paused and took a breath, " but I don't want to go if it' means leaving you here. I love you, Merlin and I don't want to leave you and all this for god knows how long."

I looked down at the table, " Arthur are you asking me to…"

"I won't go if you ask me not to. I can stay here in oxford because I don't need to go anywhere but where I can learn and I can learn here just fine."

He was asking me to make the choice for him. He wanted to stay but then, even as I sat in the chair, I was afraid. I didn't know what me and Arthur had, or I knew but was scared to admit it. He loved me and I him only….only I was not sure what to make of it all. I wasn't used to being loved or anything of the sorts. I was once told I was un lovable by someone and I took it to heart until I met Arthur. Arthur…..

"Arthur…I…..I think you should go. You love to write and you always wanted to go abroad and here is your chance, for you and your parents. Please don't think I don't want you here or don't like," I motioned to us," because I do, I really do, but we're still young yet and trying to figure out…"

I looked up at him and he didn't allow me to see though his mask that he wore on his face, "when you come back I'll be here and besides it's not as if we can't call or skype or I can't come down to visit. Please don't think badly of me."

" I don't, Merlin, I understand. I only wish….never mind. I do love you though know that much," he got up and kissed me on the head, I sniffed back tears. What was I doing or more yet what had I done? He cupped my check, " we shall stay in touch but I have to go to tell them I am accepting the offer. I'll see you….."

"When you can….tomorrow?"

"Yes."

He left then, and I watched him go and did the same the following day. I even went so far as to watch his plane leave and he waved and told my bye. I knew that I might have lost the guy I was too proud and scared to admit he changed my life and was best for me, but he needed this and I didn't know a thing about where love led someone who felt believing in their selves false.

I didn't see Arthur, or hear from him as much as I liked. I closed my self-off from him, telling myself it was best for when he came around who's to say he wouldn't find a new love for I wouldn't wait for me.

It was a year later I saw him again at Lancelot's funeral and I learned not all snows fall so sweetly in the winter in fact they can be hot and humid like the summer….. just like love can be strong as a person wills it to be.

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